At the end of April Zach and I found out that we were expecting #3. We were excited and a little scared. That would mean that Trevor and #3 would be 18 months apart. We would have a Christmas baby. We were still thrilled and starting making lists of what needed to be done around the house before the little one arrived. We also started talking about names and that we would have to come up with 2 sets since we weren't going to find out if it was a boy or a girl this time around. I called the doctor's office to make the first appointment, and it was scheduled for May 11th. We went in and the baby measured at 6 weeks with a due date of Jan 2nd. Zach and I were a little confused by this because we thought I should have been 8 weeks with a due date of Dec 18th. We had already talked about doing an induction with this baby so the baby would be born right around Christmas. The heartbeat wasn't very strong at all though. We could barely see a flicker, but didn't think too much of it. Since we were planning on telling family in two weeks while we in PA, we scheduled a second ultrasound for the following Tuesday (10 days later) - just so we could see a strong heartbeat.
May 22nd - Zach was going to be in Houston on business so I went to the appointment alone. I had a friend offer to go with me, but I told her I would be fine. In my mind, I fully expected to see a growing little one with a thumpin' heart. I went into the office that day with a million things on my mind that I needed to get done before our trip. However, when I saw the ultrasound screen, my heart sank. There was no heartbeat and the baby was still measuring at 6 weeks. I fought back tears and the doctor and I talked about the miscarriage possibility and what to expect. I walked to the car and called Zach. We talked and wished so badly that we could be together. We don't understand why God has brought this into our lives, but we do know that He will receive the most glory by taking this child to be home with Him at 6 weeks. The doctor wanted me to come back in for another ultrasound on May 31 if nothing had happened while on our trip. God was abundantly gracious to us while we were in PA. The kids and I flew out on Thursday and I had prayed that if I was going to miscarry, it not be on that day. It didn't happen. Then Friday, Jasmine started throwing up all over the place. She was still not feeling well on Saturday - the day she had to be in a wedding. She did an awesome job! Still - no miscarriage yet. Then on Sunday we had a 2 1/2 hour drive to Zach's grandma's house - still nothing. Nothing on Monday. Then Tuesday came - the day we had to fly back home - still, nothing. God gave me plenty of distractions and a great time with family even though several people got really sick and weren't feeling well.
Ultrasound day (May 31st) - It was confirmed that the baby is still not growing and there is still no heartbeat. We decided to test my hcg level today and compare it to a re-test on Monday to make sure the level is going down. At this point, we have both had time to grieve and accept the loss of our little one. We are now praying and hoping that I will pass the baby over the weekend while Zach is home and can help out with the kids and not have to take time off work.
June 3rd - We had a great day at church with friends and told many of them what was going on. I still had not passed the baby and was rather annoyed that things were taking so long. I was also praying that I would not have to do the pills or worse get a d & c. Later that evening after the kids had gone to bed, I began having very light contractions. I didn't think to much of it since I had had them before and they went away. As the evening progressed so did the contractions. We went to bed about 10:45 and within a couple hours I had passed our little one. Zach and I grieved some more and were so thankful that it was over. Thankfully Zach was able to take Monday off and stay home with me. I felt much better than what I expected and my energy quickly returned. Praise God for a quick recovery.
Reflections - God is good and has given Zach and I the very best
for us and for our baby. We don't understand everything but we know we
can trust God. He is faithful and has been abundantly gracious to us.
Through this whole process I can honestly say that He has given us a
peace and calm that surpasses all human understanding. He has
already given us several opportunities to share Christ with others
through this. Sometimes God gives us a difficult circumstance and asks
us to go through it - not around, above, or under; but through. He will
also give the grace to go through the trial if we are relying on Him.
James 1:17 says "Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above,
coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or
shadow due to change." We praise Him that He is faithful and good.